Dry January is over. Congratulations if you made it through the month. Congrats if you made it one day. It’s not an easy path, and regardless of the number of days, you started the rocky and often bumpy road of change. We often contemplate for months, if not years before taking action, so it’s important to honor all parts of the process. I remember the first time I tried to quit. I decided to abstain from drinking alcohol during February since it was the shortest month of the year. It made no difference. I white knuckled my way through each of those 28 days.
I’ve been thinking about change, with lmbolc marking the transition from winter into spring, and how uncomfortable it can be to do things differently, or to see the impact of our efforts. Even when we’re trying our best and know the change is necessary.
I returned to Costa Rica for the fourth year this January, to the beautiful beach town of Samara on the Nicoya Peninsula. There was a lot that had changed, more development and busier streets, as more expats discovered this haven of peaceful living. The price of everything had doubled, as it had elsewhere in the world, but the heart of the town was still vibrant, and seeing familiar faces with loving embraces made me feel right at home. Something I adored and had longed for most of my life.
At the end of last season, I had quickly, but resistantly moved from a moldy, ocean view condo to a humble casita on the other side of town. I hadn’t stayed a night, simply moving my things and securing a spot for the next year. So this year, I was arriving with some anxiety, not knowing how I would fare in the oppressive heat midday without my long deck flowing with ocean breeze. Or where I would sit, stretch, write, or paint. Yes, this is how I spend my days here. I was now a mere ten minutes from the beach instead of five, and I worried it would affect my morning sunrise time. Yes, my days revolve around the sun, an honor I only wish I could mimic back in the states.
When I arrived, I tried to enter the wrong house! But then quickly found my home and was in awe of the silence. The stars were so bright and the casita had a hammock, where I spent most of my evenings, listening to the sounds of nature. Upon waking the next day, I was pleasantly surprised by the air flowing through the apartment, and the light that flooded in. The birds graciously sang as the sun rose, and the Howler monkeys reminded me that I was in my home away from home. Outside my door, I heard Alan, the King of Coconuts, yell his famous howl for pipa fria. Peaceful was an understatement. I felt secure, in love, and full of gratitude.
I had perseverated over this decision, to move to a new place, outside of the area where I had spent the last three years. My new casita didn’t have an outside table or ocean view, but it was clean, my neighbors were kind, and it was so peaceful. My old home was in the center of town, which was incredibly convenient, but the sounds of motos and big trucks were a constant background noise that I had learned to live with. I couldn’t sleep with the windows or doors open, not to mention there was a strong stench of sewer that often wafted through in the early morning hours.
I had to laugh at The Universe, and the way that things often fall into place, usually exceeding my expectation and working out just perfectly. My old home had been stressful; the owner was a misogynistic shyster, who not only extorted me for hundreds of dollars, but would threaten and disrespect me because I was an independent woman. I allowed it and cowered, because I was too afraid to make a change. I thought I had the best apartment in Samara! Even with the mold, noise, and harassment. I didn’t know what else was out there. I didn’t think it could be better, so I settled. I’ll take the ocean view for a little bit of abuse.
How often do we sit in situations that are not serving us; that do not support us in living the best possible life we could imagine; to uplifting the whole of our existence. I know it’s much easier said than done. Just move! Change your job! Leave the relationship! Believe me, I’ve endured them all. And they were tumultuous, disorienting, and life altering. None of them are easy.
Through all of these transitions, I spent many nights crying, worrying, obsessively listing pros and cons. Dreading that I would make the wrong decision. But in hindsight, it feels silly. How could I not believe in myself to create a better life? Why didn’t I believe that I deserved to feel fulfilled? Why would I settle and agree to a life of mediocrity?
I’m not saying that all of life should be rainbows and butterflies, and if it doesn’t feel good then ditch it. I actually believe that we should fight for the things that are most important to us, and for me that is my family, my home, my health, and my inner peace. So why didn’t I make the decision sooner, whether to move abroad, leave teaching, or quit drinking? What was it that anchored me in the familiar and known? Especially when the situation was draining, harmful, and unfulfilling? What does it take to value ourselves and believe we are worth it?
Change is hard. It’s terrifying. And yet, when we take the leap out of our comfort zone, we often see it was worth every hardship. Life is a journey of choices. Often, ones we don’t even realize we’re making. To stay or to leave. To accept or believe in a different way of being. To drink or stay sober, to take a walk versus staying on the couch. I know that these decisions are not easily made, but when we set an intention to create shifts in our world towards a better, more aligned way of living, we are often guided and supported in ways we never could have imagined.
I’m so damn grateful for the changes I’ve made. Even the ones that were forced upon me, as well as the ones I accepted courageously. I’m grateful for the painful 28 days that started this roller coaster ride of recovery. No matter the depth or heartache, the shifts made me realize my strength; my ability to navigate and create change. We all can.
I hope you find the courage to stay on the path, to know that you are worth it and can persevere through the discomfort. You can face what is undeserving of your grace in order to feel fulfilled and alive, today!
In love and gratitude, always.
As always perfection. I know allll the feelings. You nailed it with your words. Love you!
Wow, Courtney, I read this out loud to my husband and we both reacted with "Wow". Tristam said, it sounds like a beginning of a book.
Thank you for agaring your words and your heart.
All are beautiful.💜
Wendy